- Category: Placing a Baby for Adoption
Birthparents quickly learn that there is no "one size fits all" when it comes to dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. For a birthfather, pregnancy can seem all about the birthmother. They may even have trouble distinguishing their role in the whole thing. Both the birthmother and father should do their best to act fairly and as partners. That means discussing what you need/expect from one another and sticking to your words.
1. A defined relationship
The relationship between a birthmother and birthfather can be blurry or difficult to define. Whether you are in a committed relationship, friends or acquaintances, adding a pregnancy to the mix will change the dynamics and expose each person’s priorities.
An unplanned pregnancy can cause silence when really it should open the door for communication. Try not to distance yourself from your partner. Talk to each other about your pregnancy and what it means for you. Also discuss your feelings for each other. The choice to place a baby for adoption often has a lot to do with the state of a relationship. Define where you stand early on, before developing false expectations.
2. Respect
All too often expectant birthparents will blame the pregnancy on each other. It isn’t your fault that you are pregnant. It isn’t the birthfather’s fault you are pregnant. Regardless of who initiated sexual activity, form of contraceptives used, or how serious you thought the relationship was/is, you both played a part in the situation and each need to take responsibility. Now is not the time to place blame. It is time to discuss the situation with respect for each other’s opinion. Remember, there is a new life involved. It is important to make choices with a clear mind and open heart.
3. Support
No matter how much we try to sugarcoat it, an unexpected pregnancy can be a burden. It can be problematic mentally, physically and financially. All of these things combined can be overwhelming for a single woman to handle. While affecting him in different ways, it is also tough for the birthfather. You both need to support one another regardless of your relationship status. Call to see how the other is doing. Meet in person in a safe, public setting. Offer emotional support when needed. It will make things easier for both of you.
4. Communication
Don’t assume what the birthfather is thinking. Ask him. Because of the distance an unplanned pregnancy can create, it’s easy to guess what the other person is thinking instead of talking to them about it. Are you unsure about placing your baby for adoption? Are you rethinking parenting? Have you made a concrete decision one way or another? A pregnancy requires two people – a mother and a father. That means you should both be involved in the decision-making. Voice your concerns rationally and calmly. Then let him do the same.
5. Follow Through
Discuss post adoption plans with the birthfather. If you have chosen to parent, will you be co-parenting? If you chose to place your baby for adoption, will you remain in contact? Would he like to receive pictures and updates about the child? Whatever the decision, it’s important to follow through on your promises. Becoming pregnant, parenting and adoption are all life-changing experiences – and it is something you and the birthfather went through together.
Unlike birthmothers who are offered plenty of advice and counseling throughout their pregnancy, birthfathers are often faced with their challenges alone. Share with him your education about pregnancy at adoption.
